Monday, January 7, 2008

Don't step on the cracks in the sidewalk

Phobias are filled with superstition and obsessive-compulsive behavior. Who isn’t familiar with the mindset that says, “If I listen carefully to the regularity of the plane’s engine, the thing won’t go down,” or “If the Chase website accepts my password the first time I try typing it in this time, I’ll break through in my art career.” The phobia of course, is fear of what cannot be controlled.

So, when I read ArtForum and slowly come to an understanding again (and again) that my art career is an uphill battle – I’m knocking on a fort’s door - my phobic behavior rears its sneaky head. Last night it came in the form of the following conviction: I must send emails immediately. I must make triple efforts. For, if I don’t, nothing will give way. I am the only one who can make things happen.

While this is true to a certain extent, I’m not convinced that tension and anxiety mean I’m making more progress than, say, if I did the same with patience and perspective, and perhaps – do I dare say – with a little faith that things sometimes happen that I cannot predict.

And sometimes they don’t.

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